A VERY PORTSMOUTH CHRISTMAS

A little festive poem i wrote for a Christmas show in Portsmouth last year. Run by Alfie Ordinary and Cherry Liquor (Who gets a little shout out at the end, to give that context!)

 

'A VERY POMPEY CHRISTMAS'

 

Twas the night before christmas and all pompey louts, were out mugging grannies drinking strongbow and stout.

Then to what to there wondering eyes do appear, sergeant Mitchell and his police van did appear.

They look to each other and oh they do shout

"Lets fuckin' leg it, for that dinlos about!"

So they ran and they ran and they caused such a clatter and stacey in flat 3 wondered what was the matter.

She shouted "Oi Johnny! oi Jimmy! oi Amy! oi Ron! The fuck is all this, the fucks going on!?" 

They looked towards Stacey eyes starry and wide "Mind your own fuckin' business now get back inside!"

Stacey closed the windows and of her warm council flat and picked up the phone for a Christmas eve chat.

So she thought she'd call Christine, she'd give her a ring and tell her, her hopes for what santa would bring.

A Pauls boutique bag, in tasteful neon. Or a pregnancy test for her to piss on.

For she Has 8 little children, all snuggled in bed. They outnumbered the teeth that she had in her head.

So the phone it was ringing and she lit up a fag, Christine she answered and explained “whats up you old slag?”

“Christine i’m worried, i fear i am late. It’s Jimmys, not Ronnies! I’m in a right state!”

Christine she sighed and told her a tale, that maybe Santa would fund her and send her the bail. 

“To get out old Ronnie, to give Jimmy a shank. So no one would know you’re a dirty old skank.”

Stacey was happy, she loved this idea. She looked to the sky, the night was so clear.

so she tucked up in bed with her warm primark sheets. She shut up her eyes and she drifted to sleep.

In the morning she woke and her spirits were high. She’d left out some brandy and a lidl mince pie.

The brandy was drunk, the mince pie was missing. She called for her kids with joy she was hissing.

“”oi danny! oi deano! oi chelsea! oi john! oi darren! oi vicky! oi terry! oi tom!”

So they rushed to the lounge looked under the tree, but saw nought but a letter addressed to Stacey.

They opened the seal and read it with glee. But their faces they fell for what they did see.

It was not a cheque, some cash of the bail. But a better from Santa had come in the mail.

And it read…

‘Dear Stacey my darling, your christmas looks bleak. For i got out my list and i gave it a peek.

It seems you’ve been naughty, you’ve been stealing and dealing. So with that in the open i think i’ll be leaving

I’m going to emsworth, instead of to you. So i’ve packed up my sleigh and i’ve said toodle oo’

Staceys mind wondered, to her friends in Emsworth, she ripped up the note and cackled with mirth.

Oh Stacey she laughed and she looked at the floor…

“If he think’s i’m bad, wait for Cherry Liquor.”

 

 

Goodbye to The Nightingale Room, Brighton.

Ok. Now i've had a chance to calm down i'd like to write something productive and also try to instigate something good.

The Nightingale Room in Brighton, which me and many others have made their Brighton cabaret show home for the past year and a half has changed managers again.

Though the difference this time is the manager has changed to someone who thinks 'performers and performances are a waste of time'. This isn't the company who owns the venues decision, it is the decision of a single man. He now wants to turn it into a cocktail bar... Which if you're familiar with Brighton, is not a thing Brighton needs another of.

What Brighton is lacking is a variety of performance spaces. Yes, of course you have your basic music gig venues, you have your blank wooden rooms above pubs. This place was special. It was a beautiful speakeasy filled with charm and magic.

It had an upright piano which people put to use. Whether it was me using it for the entirety of my show. Tina Turner Tea Lady sitting at it to pretend she was about to play piano. Or Sophie from Cinebra accidentally sitting on it and hitting low note to get the full effect of a punchline.

After the last few christmas shows (Which he has also cut down as much as he can, because he saw some holes in their contracts) It won't be used as a performance space any more.

There was supposed to be a NYE show there, which i was booked to host - but the new manager decided they weren't going to pay for that. After i kicked up a fair bit of fuss, me and the entire cast of the show were given the ultimatum of a percentage split of the tickets instead... or nothing. Which we all have politely declined. Regardless of how annoyed or financially derailed i am from having that show ripped out from under me with 2 weeks to go, that's not what is upsetting me the most.

What is getting to me is that this beautiful space and this place that was building an incredible and varied bubble of cabaret in Brighton won't be able to be that any more... because one man doesn't like performers or performances or shows.

I've been told that his response to all of this so far is 'I don't give a fuck'. Well - i do give a fuck. Your audiences that me and so many other shows and performers have built, do give a fuck. Those shows that valued that space to try things out and make magical experiences, also do give a fuck. We all give a fuck. So, i ask anyone who also does give a fuck to write a little email (email can be found at the end of this.) and let them know exactly how important these performances spaces are.

None of this has been officially announced yet... So who knows? Maybe the company will look at this and go "This Liam is not the right man for our venue".

Josh, the assistant manager has fought so hard to keep it the space that it is. He is full of passion and love for that space and the shows it put on and from what i can tell, it really has meant so much to him to look after it and nurture it. So it's being taken away from him too.

So if you want to write an email, please do. Remember.. This isn't about any cancellations or vendetta for lost income. That means nothing at this point. It's about saving a space from becoming another empty hidden quirky cocktail bar in a city filled with them. It's about letting them know that what Brighton (and every place) needs are those spaces where you can watch something incredible happen by people who couldn't do it without that place to facilitate their ideas. Thank you.

info@thenightingaleroom.co.uk

AUGUST 18TH 2016

AUGUST 18TH 2016 -

I HAVE A BLOG SECTION ON MY WEBSITE AND NEVER USE IT! So here i am using it.

So for August so far i’ve been holed up at home - writing, plotting and preparing for the UK tour in November with my new show ‘Meet Me At The Eldorado’.

Jumping between jotting random musings and ideas and chords and words into a little red notebook. Then painting words onto some black cotton i got for a BARGAIN at a local fabric shop, to make some sort of ’set’ for the show.

It’s looking good. Songs i have so far are sounding good and i’m very pleased if somewhat anxious and nervous to see how it all rounds up as a whole project and what a more finished product will look like.

Today some of the promotional print arrived, just the posters. Apparently flyers are due tomorrow. The posters look GOOD. The image and design printed beautifully (Thank you Scott Chalmers for your absolute wizardry in the photo studio and the photoshop!)

The show and tour is seeming so much more real now.

It’s not finished - Theres so much work yet to be done and i’ve set myself a task of writing (MOST OF) a song every 2 days. 70% unusable. Though the occasional spark of inspiration goes off and i get a massive buzz.

A few songs are finished. there are some songs being finished at the moment (with working titles!) -

‘Never Invite A Nihilist To A Dinner Party’ 

‘Recovering Goth’ (This one of is my favourite song so far!)

‘Ballad of the British High Street’

As the show is looking more complete and i’m happy with song arrangements and feel they’re finished, i’m going to start putting some previews of them on youtube to give an idea of what to expect in the new show!

RIGHT. OK. enough from me. 

OVER AND OUT. 

JB

PS - COME SEE ME ON TOUR IN THE UK IN NOVEMBER. SWISS DATES ANNOUNCED SOON TOO! :)

National Poetry Day?

apparently it's national poetry day? here's one i wrote and will often recite at live shows. so now seems a good a day as any to share it online.

 

dear bus replacement services,

you come at times of need and strife, to people in the travelling life.

though i appreciate your attempt at this. i think you'll find that i'm rather pissed.

i have a suitcase and a keyboard in tow, as i am returning from a show.

it's rather cramped and i'm rather tired, from this gig for which i was hired.

 

i got to my destination with minimal fuss, because i did not take a fucking bus.

 

that takes four times longer than the train, i must admit that i feel... disdain.

 

because there is no room and its full of twats,

you have no decent sized luggage racks.

you haven't checked my ticket, you just let me on and waved.

and for that pricey travel, i wish i hadn't paid.

 

there's no trains to leave from leeds, nor birmingham as well.

and by the time i get to brighton, i'll hope you've burnt in hell.

 

so i'll struggle with these bags, upon this shit cramped bus.

i'll write some words while travelling, that read and sound as thus...

 

fuck you.

Ron Moody.. Reviewing The Situation

Very sad to hear both Christopher Lee and Ron Moody have passed. Ron Moody in particular... I was obsessed with this song when i was a little one. (Link to song at bottom of page)

I would keep rewinding the video tape back to listen/watch it again and act it out.

It's this sort of song that ingrained itself into my mind as a kid and i believe its played a massive influence on what i do today.

when i started travelling more and more with shows, i would do this to end my sets. it was also my final song in 'villains' with pustra, before i meet my grisly end near the close of the show... and as a little tribute.. it was also near the end of my last solo show 'ginfully yours'.

i'm going to sing it this weekend. it will go out to ron moody.

thanks for being one of the loveable bad guys that inspired me to be a loveable bad guy too.

thank you. 

Ron Moody - Reviewing The Situation