*as always, this can also be found on substack HERE
I’ve given myself an hour to write something up because I am unprepared and frankly I’ve been terribly depressed, so there’s the first point to saying that sobriety doesn’t fix everything.
I’ve given myself an hour because I want to watch Dogtooth before arran comes home, as he will rarely watch anything with subtitles (dyslexic. So much so, that sometimes his texts read like riddles) - and he refers to me watching these sorts of films as ‘are you watching one of your horrible upsetting films again’ and I can tell you with utmost confidence, the answer is usually yes. Yes I am.
It is April 22nd 2026 and as of today, It has been 2 years since I had an alcoholic drink. Which is 1 year more since the last time I spoke about this.
I didn’t really intend to do a yearly check in, but I’m feeling compelled to write something - because in a way this second year was so much harder for me. It lacked the novelty of that first one, where it felt like I was striving to hit that 365 day milestone. Where I felt like I was on some kind of sobriety PR tour, trying to convince people who have known me for years that I was no longer a boozy cow and a wine fuelled chaos merchant.
There’s two major things that stick with me from that first year, both on totally opposite ends of the spectrum. Firstly I learnt that if you’re working a show there and you tell people working in hospitality you don’t drink they will often make some really lovely effort to make sure you’re included in things regardless. I’ve done so many shots of orange juice alongside peoples tequila. I’ve had the fanciest looking ginger ales, decked out like Liberace fruit salads. I’ve drank more kombucha from wine glasses than I previously imagined possible. It was a world of soft drink possibility, if you’ve got someone nice working, which there usually is - your soft drink can hit hard.
The other end of this is when people who’d only known me to knock back 2 bottles of wine or a bottle of whisky at every show - just refused to believe I wasn’t secretly absolutely steaming whenever I was working.
The most frustrating and one of the more upsetting was after performing at an arts festival, I got an email a few days later from my former management telling me that the festival was furious I’d ran up a hotel bar bill and left without settling it. I phoned the hotel myself to ask about this, and no one had answers and eventually they refunded the festival director who had been ‘forced’ to pay it. Though despite me trying to resolve the situation, I think maybe in the directors head she had previously known me as a bit of a drunken head case - so those were the standards I’d been held up against. And if I’m being realistic, if anyone worked with me pre 2024 and hadn’t since - would probably be a fair assessment.
Those were big things for my first year - though year two?
Nothing.
That’s why it’s been harder.
I’ve not had to think about it. I’ve not had to fight it. I’ve not had to argue it. Or at least haven’t felt compelled to. It is now just a matter of fact for me.
I was so used to making sure I had drinks at shows, that it was a focus - so I shifted that focus to making sure there were soft drink alternatives, with the same intensity I requested alcohol.
Now I’m more into the groove, unless I’m sending a rider I usually don’t have to say anything because in hindsight its absolutely mental how much booze you can get given when working in nightlife and entertainment. ‘I only drink heavily at work’ is a batshit phrase and I used to use it so much.
This second year lacking the novelty has made the urge stronger to just ‘maybe have one’. That I could surely have a drink now, because I’ve done it and it’s fine and it might be a nice little treat.
I keep having to remember something a friend who is on a long term sober journey told me, about how when they had a few years of sobriety under their belt they assumed they could have a few drinks and they’d be absolutely fine with it. Then a few months later they were back to crying on their living room floor and unable to get changed for bed again. So that was that.
This second year has made the AA thing of one day at a time thing make so much more sense to me. Because I’m no longer measuring against that holy grail goal of 365 days. That beautiful clean year. The milestone days just don’t hit the same way now for me. Though maybe at 5 years? 10 years? Though when I think about those that does spin me out a bit, because so much can change in a day let alone 8 years. So yes, it is just one day at a time.
As I said at the start, I’d given myself a little timer for this to just get something out there. Despite disorganisation or crippling mental illness. So this will be rough but it will be ready. No editing just saves so much time.
So as the clock will strike soon I wanted to say some things that I’m grateful for in all of this, however mundane they are.
That I’ve not woken up feeling fucking awful (unless I’ve been ill)
I’ve remembered evenings out
I’ve not started smoking again, which I’d 100% have done if I wasn’t sober
Any embarrassment I’ve caused myself, was with full intention
My new found deep love of decaf earl grey tea
I get to see peoples bizarre and uncomfortable reactions when I refer to myself as a recovering alcoholic
It has made me more confident as myself
My skin is much happier
I look better naked
When people let me sniff their glasses of wine like I’m doing poppers
When I pretend I’m going to drink someones wine and they let out a little ‘NO!’
That’s all for now. I need to watch a horrible Greek film.
Goodbye